http://www.theoldergamers.com/forum/blogs/ebonytears/ Online Gaming for Mature PC and Console Gamers en Thu, 20 Jun 2013 07:37:16 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.theoldergamers.com/forum/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.theoldergamers.com/forum/blogs/ebonytears/ http://www.theoldergamers.com/forum/blogs/ebonytears/166-bugger.html Thu, 17 Jan 2013 05:24:17 GMT I've been dealing, I've been coping...until today. Today I didn't cope and, because of that I spoke to my daughter in a way that I am ashamed of. So I'm putting this here so that some of that frustration can be vented. I don't have RL friends to 'have coffee with'. I know people don't believe me but it's true. The one person I considered a friend told me 'I don't have room in my life to deal with this' when I told her I have Lupus and I haven't heard from her since.

Lupus. Systemic Lupus Erythematosus to be exact. Oh don't get me wrong...it's no surprise to me and was actually a relief when the doctor finally said it. You see for the past 5-6 years we've been trying to pinpoint what's wrong with me. Now we know :) I still don't quite tick all the boxes but, with a family history of autoimmune diseases (mum and 2 aunts with various autoimmune diseases), past history of psiorosis and the symptoms I do have the doc thinks it's only a matter of time and we've started treatment now to try to slow that down. You see the thing I need to tick the final box is inflamation of one of my internal organs. Kidneys are the most likely. I'm quite happy to start treatment now rather than wait for kidney failure to be totally honest with you.

I'm learning to manage my condition. I don't go out in the sun without being fully covered and wearing sunscreen. The sun triggers my symptoms you see and can lead to inflammation of my joints, nausea, headaches and fatigue.
I'm learning to listen to my body and take steps to deal with the inflammation in my joints. My hands frustrate me a bit when they suddenly refuse to pick things up and going to stand up only to discover I can't is also sometimes frustrating.

The one thing I'm struggling to cope with is the fatigue. Vaccuming the floor and then needing to rest...only to wake 2 hours later is irritating the hell out of me. I am tired of being tired. I know that if I try to push through it all that will mean is pain later when my joints become inflammed, nausea, headaches etc etc. So I rest when I feel tired...it just seems to feel like I'm tired all the time.

I am learning to break down household chores so that I rest in between and take satisfaction in what I can do. My house isn't as clean as I would like but it's not too bad and I've been ok with that.

Not today. Today I see dust...everywhere. And I can't get rid of it all because I keep falling asleep. I pushed it too hard and the inflammation started. When I tried to get up out of my chair I couldn't. My daughter asked if I needed help and I snapped at her. I can bloodywell stand up I'm not crippled you know! Yeah...took me three goes but the stubborness won through in the end (paying for that now too). But I am ashamed of the way I spoke to her and treated her, she deserves better from me.

And I do know what's lead to this...it's the whole Disability Support Pension thing. Yep the doc says that I need to go on it because 'I wouldn't hire you'. I think that was harder to hear than 'you have Lupus'. I've always worked, at whatever job was available at the time. Seasonal work, cleaning...whatever would pay. Mostly physical work that others don't like to do, it didn't matter to me...it payed the bills. For the past 5 years I've been doing a Bachalor of Social Science so that I can get a better job. I told the kids when I got my degree things would be better. But now they're not going to be...not for awhile anyway. Not till I'm 'stable'. It makes me angry, frustrated and sad. My kids deserve better.

But this is how it is. I can't change it...but I can 'manage' it. For someone who always had things planned day-to-day for months in advance I now have to learn to live each day as it comes. I may not be able to work but I am the Media Officer for my local SES Unit and that is now my Job :) I will learn to not push myself, to not expect so much of myself or be so self-critical and I will learn to accept help. It may just take a little time that's all. ]]> Ebonytears http://www.theoldergamers.com/forum/blogs/ebonytears/166-bugger.html http://www.theoldergamers.com/forum/blogs/ebonytears/129-what-your-hearts-desire.html Wed, 16 Mar 2011 00:56:27 GMT This question was asked of me when I was backpacking over 15 years ago. At the time I gave a flippant answer and forgot about it. Recently it has... This question was asked of me when I was backpacking over 15 years ago. At the time I gave a flippant answer and forgot about it. Recently it has been something I have been thinking about.

The other day it came to me. My hearts desire is, quite simply, to learn. Doesn't seem like a biggy really, something rather simple. It's not and it has caused me no amount of trouble.

I don't just read books, I devour them. I am always enrolled in some course or another of some kind. Recently I was asked what my goal was for doing my Bachalor of Social Science. I had no answer, on furthur questioning I admited I was doing the course because the subjects interested me not because I wanted to achieve a particular career goal. In fact, once my degree is completed the only plan I have is more study.

Now, on the surface this doesn't seem like much of an issue. All knowledge is worth having. The problem is I only have surface knowlege. I know a little about everything but not alot about anything so to speak. I can tell you about the inner workings of a car engine but can't fix one. I can describe the process of heart surgery but could not perform it. My grandfather used to say I was "book smart but otherwise dumb". I have very limited common sense and am usually oblivious to what is actually happening around me.

So where does this get me? Well, nowhere to be totally honest. I do not have enough knowlege on any particular subject for it to actually be useful to me. I have very few skills that would actually gain me employment. Once I'm finished my Uni degree I have a piece of paper that will help me gain employment and this is good. But what I really want to do is start another course. I would love to do Anthropology, or a Librarians course.

My grandmother once said I was born in the wrong era..that I should have been born in the times of scholars and bards. Maybe that is true, but it doesn't help me now.

In this day and age my skills with research and finding things aren't really all that useful. We live in the age of Google after all. And for me to sucessfully research something I have to have an interest in it....otherwise I end up playing with lego or researching the aquaducts of ancient cultures.

I find I am very frustrated with myself. If I could just stick to something.....but there are so many interesting things! So many natural wonders, so many interesting cultural abnormalities, so many....there are just so many things I want to learn!! ]]> Ebonytears http://www.theoldergamers.com/forum/blogs/ebonytears/129-what-your-hearts-desire.html http://www.theoldergamers.com/forum/blogs/ebonytears/126-frustration-max.html Tue, 15 Feb 2011 03:31:51 GMT I am going to rant here in the hope that this will get it out of my system and I can actually get something DONE. My personality is ...bloody... I am going to rant here in the hope that this will get it out of my system and I can actually get something DONE.
My personality is ...bloody annoying at the best of times. I range across the full spectrum from calm and reliable to boarderline certifiable. People who know me say I'm a people person and I don't understand that. I don't like people. They irritate the hell out of me. I don't mind surface skimming but people tend to feel the need to tell me things and I honestly, really couldn't give a shit most of the time. On the other hand I am very loyal to my friends, know everything about them and will drop everything to be there for them in a time of crisis. The problem is my definition of friends seem to be different from other peoples. Just because we spend time together every now and then doesn't mean I want to know all about your sex life or the problems you are having at work. And I think of the people I know online as friends more than the people I associate with in RL. My mother says it's because there isn't a chance of forming deep and meaningful connections but I am very close to my online friends and know them better than anyone and I share more with them. I would genuinely love to meet every single on of them. Bah! See FOCUS.
This is my main issue today...focus...I have none. It's interfering with my ability to get even the smallest thing done. I sit down to study and I notice the wall is dirty...I get up and start cleaning the wall...I realise I haven't practiced my knots for ses and I really should so I leave the half cleaned wall to go do that...half way through I notice my book...I start reading....I should be studying..so I go to do that but the smell of the kitty litter distracts me...when I've finished doing that I pick up my book again...notice the half done knot and pick that up, want a cuppa..make one and sit back down at my desk and start studying..........nsdfjkvgk;asjdfriowa;ifehrlitguh arugh

I hate days like this!!! I have been tossing up the idea of thowing a blue stain in my hair because my hair is annoying me at the moment. I want to grow it long so I am trying to avoid cutting it all off...to do that I tend to color it. But I don't want to go totally blue. Do I just do patches? Maybe streaks? How about just dye the ends blue?.....this has me at the point where I now can't color my hair and it's annoying the utter crap out of me.

Honestly....it's got me stuffed how I function at all some days.

And my mother wonders why I don't have a mass of friends or a boyfriend BAH!!!!!! ]]> Ebonytears http://www.theoldergamers.com/forum/blogs/ebonytears/126-frustration-max.html http://www.theoldergamers.com/forum/blogs/ebonytears/81-what-difference.html Mon, 23 Aug 2010 10:47:37 GMT I was with my sister the other day and made the mistake of verbally expressing my wish for a new graphics card. My sister can basically navigate... I was with my sister the other day and made the mistake of verbally expressing my wish for a new graphics card. My sister can basically navigate Facebook and send emails...with assistance. So I dummied it down as much as I could and explained why I wanted to, eventually upgrade my graphics card. She enquired as to which one I wanted. I got a bit carried away talking about a few of the newer ones on the market and what they could do so my brain wasn't really in the right place when she asked me about price. I told her and she went off! Why on god's green earth would I, a single mother of three kids be wanting to spend that type of money on something for my computer of all things!!!. The normal feelings of embarrassment and shame mixed with a slight feeling of guilt began to wash over me.

But...hang on...wait one second! Hadn't she just spent $500 on two new tyers for her motorbike? The one that only gets ridden every 3 or 4 weekends and while camping on school holidays? I confronted her with this and she replied:
"That's different! Motorbike riding is a family activity that we all enjoy. We do it for relaxation and to have fun"
I replied..but that's why I game..it's why my kids game...it's why WE game. She looked at me as if I'd sprouted horns and said:
Surely you're not trying to say that you gaming is the same as my family riding our bikes?!

But that is EXACTLY what I'm saying. Why is it so hard for people to understand? Is it because we game inside? Is it because it requires technology? Why is it that gaming is frowned upon as a legitimate recreational activity? ]]> Ebonytears http://www.theoldergamers.com/forum/blogs/ebonytears/81-what-difference.html