Like, The Earl of Hornsby, aged 11, today actually, had a school function on tonight for dads and sons about sex education. Some mums turned up too. Women! Can’t keep their noses out of secret mens’ business, eh? They just had to turn up; you want to get down to some serious men on men discussion about being a man.. or in this case a pre-pubescent man and women get in on the act! You might think me uncharitable, but some of the answers we had give, aloud, in a hall, in front of other people are rather… ‘difficult” to answer in front of women. Especially women whom you’ll run into at cricket or a dinner party. *bangs head on desk* :)
Anyway, if you’ve been stalking me you’ll know The Earl is a bright chap who’s very cluey about everything, until now. Tonight we arrive and I immediately did the first wrong thing. I gave him his handball because we were about ten minutes early. Thinking he’d stay close and play a game with his mates whilst I chatted to a few of mine. Not so. The rotter took off and come time to go in I was still searching. I find him, say “stay near me, we need to sit together” and lo & behold, Poof! Gone again. I rounded him up the second time and removed the ball. Mistake number 2. On comes the grumpy-face even though it was pretend. (A smile in the corner of your lips is a dead give away, son) In the hall grumpy-face was seen by every other father and sneaky mother and I know what they were thinking, oh I know, sure I know. Sheesh, and a sex lecture too. Why, Lord, why me?
So, there we are, being briefed by the Head of Junior school about what’s on and who’s who and we’re up the front, sitting just where he’s standing. And he’s looking at The Earl’s grumpy-smiling-face from time to time. I know what he’s thinking too; “Can’t look after his son on an important night like tonight”. ArrrgghhhHHHh.
The guest special-educator sex teacher person, a woman, for crying out loud, was quite good. She soon had everyone feeling relaxed, laughing and listening to what could be a very boring or off-putting subject. For everyone but The Earl. For Fracks Sake. Up goes a cartoon picture of different shaped naked bodies and up goes his hand and over his face while everyone else is giggling and gwarfing! He’s only child in the room who’s acting the goat and the guest speaker is looking at him and then at me. ArrrggHHH.
Jellyfish, jellyfish, jellyfishThen we have “discussion times” between father and son. For example; we were asked to talk about what it was like going through puberty and what he might expect, concentrating mostly on the physical changes our bodies went through… and how old we were when it happened. The little rat, and I mean that with all the love a father has for a son, but the little rat puts his hands over his ears and cries out “Jellyfish, jellyfish, jellyfish” over and over until the discussion period is finished. She’s looking again, and I just know the Head of Junior School is boring holes in my back.. as is a fair few fathers glancing our way. This happens not once, but every time a “discussion session” came up. I wasn’t able to talk about anything with him. Zippo! “Jellyfish, jellyfish, jellyfish”
But, it doesn’t end there, oh no. Not on your Nellie. The speaker asks the boys after the puberty-for-dads discussion what some of the fathers had said (this is why Mothers should have been blocked at the door)
“My dad said he grew hair on his privates” (giggles) and “My dad started chasing girls” lots of giggles there, and “My dad started getting erections” (Now there was an unwise dad) with rawkus laughter. Others included growing a moustache, able to have produce sperm to make babies, deeper voice and BO. Towards the end The Earl, rubs his hand on my gut, then raises his own hand. Now since we hadn’t actually discussed my puberty I have no idea what he’s going to say but the rubbing-of-the-tummy has my mind doing backflips in the micro-seconds it took the speaker to point at The Earl… “Miss, Miss, My dad got a beer gut!”
Great, every father is killing themselves laughing and here I am thinking “Sheesh, pre-puberty to middle age spread in one go!”
The little smart alec confesses in the car on the way home that he knew what he was doing the whole time. Lucky for him it was his birthday.
There’s still the cricket and dinners to negotiate later.
naked men & naked women doing the horizontal bone danceAnyway, through this whole hour of cartoon pictures of naked men and women and several of naked men & naked women doing the horizontal bone dance just to show the tikes how it’s done, plus discussions of sperm production, ejaculation, ovulation, erections, vuvlas and vaginas, birthing canals and anuses is a hearing impaired signer. A couple of the parents are profoundly deaf so the school brings in a woman, a rather attractive woman I might add, who, the whole time, is standing next to the speaker signing away everything she says plus, by the looks of it, anything someone in the audience says. She was going a right speed. Signing in a sex education class is… interesting. She had me in stitches :)