Story of my bunnings (hardware) store

Discussion in 'Contact TOG' started by Train, Jul 27, 2009.

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  1. Train

    Train Getting Started

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    I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
    Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Sh**, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
    There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!
    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-b**ch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
    Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
    My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
    Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
    Ba*ta*ds claim they're going to have to repaint the store.








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  2. King_Rocket

    King_Rocket Well-Known Member

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    I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes and as someone who enjoys making his own supercharged Chilli and keeps both Blair's Death Sauce & Faarrk'n Psyco Hot Chilli Sauce in the fridge at all times I can relate. Capitol Job! :D
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2009
  3. Darkd0c

    Darkd0c Well-Known Member

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    :biglol::biglol:
     
  4. Resolve

    Resolve Well-Known Member

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    Great stuff!!! :D
     
  5. koolmick

    koolmick Well-Known Member

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    as mecha said on my RESORT
    :bigthumbsup::biglol::bigthumbsup::biglol:ROFLMAO
     
  6. Bindy

    Bindy Active Member

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    OMG!!!! my daughter and i laughed so hard i was breathless,thought i was going to die from not being able to take in enough air,that is the funniest story i have heard in forever and thankyou for sharing(through the internet)....:biglol::bigthumbsup::biglol::bigthumbsup:
     
  7. The Omen

    The Omen Retired Moderator

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    Oh man that made me laugh so hard...my wife said i got problems when she heard me laughing, then i told her some of the story and the reply i got was (with a smile) "OHHH"
     
  8. Major Conspiracy

    Major Conspiracy Well-Known Member

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    gold :biglol: :bigthumbsup:
     
  9. Bugsquash

    Bugsquash Well-Known Member

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    Farkin brilliant !!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  10. Vulcan21

    Vulcan21 Well-Known Member

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    I'm still laughing !

    :biglol:
     
  11. sphynx65

    sphynx65 Active Member

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    I had to take a break half way, was laughing to much to be able to read.
    :biglol::biglol::biglol:
     
  12. Pirate_Radio

    Pirate_Radio Well-Known Member

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    nice story lol
     
  13. Wongdai

    Wongdai Retired DC

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    Love it! Great work. Can you send me some of your Road Kill Chilli?
     
  14. Train

    Train Getting Started

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    Lol,

    Sorry guys i should have labelled it as WARNING Can be hazardous to your health. Make sure u bring oxygen and a new set of guts lmao. I had that sent to me in an e-mail and i was laughing at it for a bit after. As for the pics unfortunally i dont have pics of it, but if i can find some ill put it up.
     
  15. Bazz

    Bazz Retired Captain

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    Recipe?
     
  16. Train

    Train Getting Started

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    Chilli, Chilli, More chilli, Mexican jalepeno's, lmao Taco hot Sauce.. Curry
     
  17. Train

    Train Getting Started

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    I think after this story they should change me from harmless to fatal to your hazard haha
     
  18. entropy

    entropy Retired Captain

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    I'm sitting here farting in symphony, or is that sympathy. Wife not amused.
     
  19. impulse

    impulse Active Member

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    I'm at work crying, all the other engineers are now crowded around my desk wondering what is wrong with me!

    What is even more amusing is that I often go to Bunnings and am never served, so I can imagine on this odd occasion how unlucky you must've felt!

    :D
     
  20. doodlebug

    doodlebug Well-Known Member

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    gold:biglol::bignono:
    still chuckling
     
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